South Park: The Loch Ness Monster & Tree Fiddy


Thomas: Well aren’t you crackers just cute as the dickens.

Stan: Your Chef’s parents.

Nellie: Yes. Oh that’s right.

Kyle: We have to talk to him.

Thomas: Well he should be out and about getting ready.

Nellie: Oh, he’s so excited about the wedding.

Thomas: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness Monster?

Stan: No. That’s okay.

Thomas: Must have happened seven or eight years ago. Me and little lady were out on this boat, you see. All alone at night. When all of the sudden, this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the – comes out of the water!   

Nellie: We were so scared, Lord have mercy. I jumped on the boat and I yelled “Captain! What on earth is that creature?”

Thomas: It stood above us looking down on us with its big red eyes and I yelled. I said “What do you want from us monster?”

Nellie: Oh it was scary!

Thomas: And the monster bent down and said “I need about tree fiddy.”

Kyle: What’s tree fiddy?

Thomas: Three dollars and fifty cents.

Stan: He wanted money?

Thomas: That’s right. I said “I ain’t giving you no money, you goddam Loch Ness monster! Get your own goddam tree fiddy!”

Nellie: I gave him a dollar.

Thomas: She gave him a dollar.

Nellie: I thought he’d go away if I gave it a dollar.

Thomas: Well of course he’s going to go away Nellie! You give him a dollar, he’s going to assume you got more.


Later…


Thomas: And that was third time we saw the Loch Ness Monster. Then one time, I believe it was July.

Nellie: August.

Thomas: August. There’s a knock on the door. I open it and there’s this cute little Girl Scout.

Nellie: Oh she was so adorable with the little pig tails and all.

Thomas: And she says to me “How would you like to buy some cookies?” She had cinnamon, ghramn crunchy -,  

Nellie: Raisin oatmeal

Thomas: Raisin oatmeal. And I said “We’ll take a ghramn crunchy. How much will that be?”. And she looked at me and said “I need about tree fiddy.”

Nellie: Tree fiddy?

Thomas: Well it was about that time that I noticed that this girl was about 8 stories tall and was ----.

Nellie: It was the Loch Ness monster.

Thomas: I said “Dammit monster! Get off my lawn! I ain’t giving you tree fiddy!” And then she said “How about just two fiddy?” And I said “Oh now it’s only two fiddy! What does that sound like Loch Ness – or something?

Nellie: Lord he was angry.

Thomas: Damn right I was angry.

Nellie: Not you. The monster. He was ready to kick your ass for it.

Thomas:  Aw, shut your mouth woman!

Stan: Uh, could you just tell Chef that we were here?

Thomas: Sure. That crazy old monster. And then the fourth time...


Much Later…


Thomas: Can I have your attention please? Tomorrow my son is getting married to a beautiful lady. I’m very happy for them both. Oh, there I go. I told myself I wasn’t going to cry.

Chef: It’s okay Pops.

Nellie: Now you gonna get me going.

Thomas: I remember when Chef was just a little boy. He came running up to me with his chef’s hat on and a big smile on his face and he said “Papa! Papa!” And I said “What do you need Chef, my boy?” and he said “I need about tree fiddy.”

Nellie: Tree fiddy?

Thomas: Well it was about that time that I got suspicious. I said “Chef, why do you need tree fiddy?”. And he said “My imaginary friend Boo-Boo the dinosaur wants it.” I went to my son’s room and sure enough there was the Loch Ness Monster.

Nellie: Oh it was scary!

Thomas: I said “Dammit monster! You stop bugging my children now!” We work for money in this house and we do not give money away!”

Stan: Excuse me.


Much, Much Later…


Thomas: And then these had me tied up on their ship. They were probing me.

Nellie: We had taco salad that night.

Thomas: Don’t mind them what we had for dinner woman! Now this alien had a big head and big black eyes and was all bent over me. I yelled “What do you want from me alien?” And do you know what he said?

Nellie: Tree fiddy.

Thomas: Let me tell the damn story now. He said tree fiddy. And that’s when I realized that it wasn’t no alien. It was that goddam Loch Ness monster trying to trick me into giving him tree fiddy by dressing up like an alien. Don’t I just –

Nellie: I just gave him tree fiddy.

Thomas: WHAT!? You gave that monster another damn tree fiddy!

Nellie: He tricked me.

Thomas: Well no wonder the monster keeps coming back to our house! You keep giving it tree fiddy!

Fin 